How Much Of Myself Should I Show The World?

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As you have read in the last blogpost, Ryan, the founder of the Blog and I have been to the Iskcon in Boston together. I have to say, I have had a completely different experience than he did.

 While I did experience a degree of mysticism and awe as expressed in the previous post, there was a point that I began to focus on how I should see and present myself in that particular environment. As I have expressed before, I am an international student that has made the move from her home country-- India, if that's not explicitly obvious by now-- to the United States of America; with that move has come a lot of changes to my perception of myself and how I see my own roots. In fact, it has also come to the point where I become confused as to which side I should be on. 

 To explain my point better, I will reiterate the experience of walking in the Iskcon building, but with a different perspective. I am going to describe that very same evening using the two different mindsets that governed my responses and emotions during the evening. If you have not read Tuesday's post about Ryan's experience in the temple you can do so here.

 Mindset 1: “Oh wow! everything is familiar and comfortable here! The bells! The Bhajans! It is almost like I have never left home in the first place!” Walking through the open door and taking off my shoes, the calling of Krishna’s name and the rapidly pulsating beats of the bells and feet on the floor take me back to walking into a temple back in India. I was ready to feel the glare of a golden glistening statue of the deity and see riches beyond my wildest imaginations. I can taste the prashad in my mouth and I can feel the comfort of knowing my deepest requests are being listened to.

 As I felt these waves of emotions and expectations, I thought to myself “I am surprised that there is a building of people who believe in the same thing as me! Maybe, I am not that different after all. Maybe, I might have found a building full of people who I can be myself around!” What was more surprising to me, in that moment, is that the followers of ISKCON were more racially diverse than I expected them to be. I had no idea that I can share these kinds of beliefs with people from all around the world! It was truly one of the most comforting and eye-opening moments of my time here in Boston.

 Mindset 2: “Err… what am I doing here? Didn’t I just dedicate the past five years of my life telling myself that I have let all of this go? Doesn’t all of this make me look like an outsider?” Strangely enough, these are the thoughts that appeared in my mind after the initial euphoria. I found myself being confused. I tried to speak using my newly acquired language in a place where I should feel comfortable speaking in my native tongue! Why in the world am I trying to say “prashad” in an American accent?

 As I looked back at the evening I spent at the temple, I realized that the euphoria was just causing my own discomfort at the whole situation. Note: I do not mean to say that my Indian heritage is a bad thing, I am saying that I don’t know how to express my heritage in a place where I trained myself to think that that part of my life should be left behind at the Bangalore airport.

 As my Americanized personality looks at the ISKCON society, there is a degree of regret and confusion in the way I see myself. I regret the fact that I have put my own heritage and experiences I hold dear to the back of my mind. At the same time, I am confused as to how I should integrate that part of my identity into the new one that I have built over the years of staying in a different country.

 It is one of those moments that are unique and a part of being an international student. I suggest that you reflect on your own process of owning your identity and figure out if you have had similar experiences. See if you face the same confusion as I did that day.

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 Regardless of what country you are from or the reason why you're in the United States, it is very likely that you will deal with some sort of identity issue. While there really isn't universal advice that can help you understand your own identity, I would say be honest with yourself. Do you want to keep any parts of your heritage? Do you want to develop a new persona devoid of your cultural roots? Do you want to use some aspects of your home culture and some from your new culture?

 Essentially, you need to figure this out yourself. Just make sure that whatever you decide it is your decision. In other words, don't reject your heritage because you think that's what other people want. If you want to embrace both cultures then embrace both cultures. After all, America is a land consisting of many different cultural backgrounds. To be American is simply to reject all other backgrounds. Just be you and the rest will come naturally!

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 As you can see, my experience at the Iskcon temple in Boston was drastically different from Ryan's. While he was overwhelmed with spiritual novelty, I was left questioning my own cultural identity. It is an issue that I still need to figure out for myself. Can you relate? I would love to hear from you! Send me a message on our Facebook page and let me know!!

 -R.M, 2nd Year English Masters Student

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